My husband just told me something I never knew - there is estrogen all around him and our son with which they are at war. I have been asked to stop buying fennel and discard all lavender products in my home.

Oh, okay. That's only about two-thirds of all my (expensive) beauty products, aromatherapy, and cleaning aids.

Apparently, lavender can cause males to grow breasts. And fennel contains a very high level of estrogen. It wasn't bad enough that there are three females (four if you count the dog) in our home, outnumbering the two males. Now the males are the victim of female hormones and botanicals that assault their masculinity.

My first reaction was to hide my L'Occitane Lavender products, slice the fennel up into smaller pieces and hide under the celery so my husband didn't know the difference, and keep fennel fronds in the "Dill" spice jar. But after careful consideration, I have decided I am going to give my husband a list of things which I feel are an affront to my feminity, a counter-attack, if you will.

1) ESPN on four different televisions at all times. Can I have the Food Network on just one of them without one of the males in the house saying "I can't believe you just changed the game!"?

2) Supplements. My husband makes 3 shakes and takes several supplements daily. My home (specifically, my kitchen - gasp) is littered with plastic tubs adorned with pictures of oiled, flexed, far too muscular male (and female) bodies. Yuk. Not to mention the shake "cup" that I have to wash 3 times daily. That powdered stuff cakes and stinks after a while.

3) Certain men's magazines. Articles on Omega-3s and investing money packaged cleverly around sexual content I suspect is tantamount to high school male locker room talk. Of course, I could be wrong.

Okay, I know this is a small list. But I am trying to be peaceful. And let's be realistic. I used lavender baby powder (even lotion) on our son for the first four years of his life, and no boobs have sprouted on him. My husband's pecs haven't gone soft, it takes breastfeeding to do that (trust me). My Greek mother-in-law used fennel in her cooking since her children were old enough to eat solids, and my husband (her son) has four children. He's fine.

I have declared no war on masculinity in this home, either directly or indirectly. Lavender smells good. Fennel is tasty, especially when caramelized.

Next time hubby asks why I'm burning the lavender candle instead of the sandalwood, I've got a great distraction.

"I changed the game when the Chargers were tied with fifteen seconds remaining in the fourth quarter and I think it was 3rd down on the ten yard line but anyway I wanted to see the ending of Steel Magnolias for the 80th time and when the movie was over I saw your supplements advertised. Can I try them? They said they were good for flab and I need to firm up. They come in a pretty new container, too."

That oughtta do it.