I flew solo this weekend.  Hubby was in Arizona visiting my step-son, who I don't even recognize in the picture my husband sent me with his phone.  I asked my husband, "Is her taller than you?", "Has his voice changed?", "Is he shaving yet?".  No, yes, and no.

Remember Greg Brady being a boy one season, then coming back the following fall season almost a man - voice changed, hint of facial hair?  I am thirty-five years old and I am Greg Brady's step-mom!  I look younger than Florence Henderson, right?  Hubby didn't answer that one definitively - thanks, honey.

I've missed a lot more than one season in my step-son's life, so have our three kids, since he moved.  Since he...went away.  Sports, life and team schedules keep my husband going to Arizona more often than my step-son comes here.

When I see him next I know I will cry.  I feel it welling up in me all of the time.  I am afraid of what I will see, afraid of what I can't see.  Sitting in gymnastic class watching my daughter learn cartwheels yesterday, my phone read "New Pix/Flix Message".  I expected the usual "How are the kids?" text message, but opened up my flip-phone to reveal the face of a stranger.  I never wanted my step-son to be a stranger. 

When I picked my husband up from the airport, he had a look on his face of satisfaction intermixed with regret.  His oldest child is far away - you know, you give a child the most well-rehearsed speech but if they have to watch you walk out the door, sadness follows you until the next time you see them again, and you grit your teeth wondering if this hurts them beyond what they show.  I speculate here - my husband is the one who leaves his heart in two places, San Diego and Arizona where his children reside...but my step-son is not even my birth child, and I long for the days when we all threw the football outside the house to each other, before coming in the house for hearty dinners and belly laughs.

And so I have learned to relinquish my worries and let any fear dissipate into prayers for the highest good. 

It has been working.